So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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