My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
