Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
