Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
