It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
