Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
