I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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