guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I deserve this hangover.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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