so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
