do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
