her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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