Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
