she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
