Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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