and you said cock pushups were impossible
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
