You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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