The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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