Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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