my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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