If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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