If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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