I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
