what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?