People in love make me want to vomit
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My penis needs a shock collar
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!