so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
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ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15