Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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