I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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