I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
