just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
