She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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