Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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