Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
