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I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We left the knife in your bed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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