Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
