So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
