what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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