you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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