Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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