Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
