the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
