theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Boobs speak an international language.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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