New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
