Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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