who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
