i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
