ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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