I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
