if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
