Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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