She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
