I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
