Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
