the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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