I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today