hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.