i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
