tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
