Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
