I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
