I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Non-Jews are for practice
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
