Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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