i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
