I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
