We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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