Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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