My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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